Where next?

Seasons, they happen with such regularity and yet still every few months I’m surprised by the sudden appearance of the summer sun, the beautiful browning of the autumn leaves and the slow crackle of the ice hardening the puddles on the pavement as I walk home. 

Just like the seasons sneak up on me in the change of the weather each term, I still find the same shock in the different seasons of life that appear at my door. Like they’re always one step ahead of me I look up and suddenly I’m an adult, suddenly I have a new home, new job and then before I realise what is happening I’m married. 

It’s not that I don’t try to intentionally enter into each new season, but more that I forget how quickly the seasons can change and find myself settling into one only immediately to adjust to some new thing flying my way. 

Well here we are again. A thing ending. A new thing starting. 

But what?

Truly I have no idea. In the past when the seasons have snuck up on me I’ve had some kind of guess, or more, a wish for the next path. But here I find myself staring at an open field with no clue on where to walk. Not even a pull in my heart towards one place. 

Oddly, I’m enjoying it. 

As Philip will testify, I have my moments of messy crying and clutching the duvet like my world is slipping away (I tend towards the dramatic).  Overall, however, I’m feeling an odd peace that can only come from knowing that God is right here. 

Part of me wants to use the new place to walk into one of my long held dreams. Something I feel like I’ve been holding onto for my whole life. But part of me feels held back by a desire to take a space of rest. To spend this season just sitting in who I am. Learning more of that. Taking a space to breathe that I feel I’ve never had in years of chaos, illness, working with others, volunteering, learning…busyness.

So this is my decision now, is this inkling to rest me, or God? 

Calling has been such a huge thing for me for so long so I’ve spent a lot of time talking to the wisest people in my life, reading up on it and working out what calling is and how we make sure we do ‘the right thing’. The thing God is calling us to. 

I don’t know the answer. God is mysterious, we can’t know his ways fully, never expect that you will work out exactly where his thoughts are going!  He’s very clear about that. 

But I also think that he cares a lot more about the heart we do things with, than the doing of the things. If there’s a choice between 2 jobs, one that is at a big mega church, one that is at a smaller church, (and God doesn’t seem to be pointing to either particularly,) then maybe neither choice is wrong. But I would argue that we can seek our hearts’ reason for choosing either one. Maybe it’s for fame, or maybe it’s to avoid fame…maybe it’s because we think we will get rich, or because we don’t want too much responsibility…we know those aren’t the right motives.We’re more aware of our hearts than we believe. 

So my questions of myself right now have to be why? Why would I take a rest rather than jumping straight into something big? Why would I jump into something big rather than resting? Pride? Laziness? Running away? Impatience? Am I acting out of hurt? Am I trying to keep my family happy? Trying to stay true to someone I think I should be? 

Whatever I do doesn’t matter as much as me doing for it for the sake of God. For love. For the right reasons. 

Talents make a difference, I don’t think it’s sensible to enter into something you can’t do. I wouldn’t try to be a doctor, however much love I have…because I’m completely unequipped. But in a choice between two similar paths, I think often, God doesn’t care as much about which one we enter than how we choose it. 

This is a difficult topic, because I have had clear times when God has sent me into something, which to ignore would have probably lead to a bit of a Jonah situation. However, I’ve also had times when I’ve been the one to choose between 3 equally good options because God trusted me with that choice, He let me have that one and He likes us using our choices well. 

It’s such a hard paradox, because I think God has plans for us, but also we have free will. If you have that conviction in your heart that you should be doing something and you ignore it and do something else…that’s probably ignoring God’s plans for you. But if there’s nothing clearly standing out…check your motives, trust the King and then jump in. 

I have a friend who literally asks God which socks to put on in the morning, though there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with that, I just don’t think God expects that of us. He’s given us reason and free will, He’s given us common sense and ultimately he’s given us His spirit to help us make these decisions. We can still make a decision ‘with him’ without a huge shining arrow sent to highlight the ‘right’ pants or socks we should choose. 

How do we do it then? We pray A LOT…we push doors, we check our hearts, and sometimes, we just have to trust the spirit in us to help us make our own choices! 

So that’s where I’m at…what is standing out? 

What next? 

Where to?

I have no idea! But I do know it will be for God and I do know He has huge amounts of grace for our stumbling attempts to love Him. 

Right now? That’s all I need to know.