*disclaimer at the bottom!
I don’t remember the exact moment it hit me, but I remember the thought develop within me. It started with ‘you have to be happy’...then ‘you have to be skinny’ next, ‘you have to be beautiful’ and then ‘your friends should be like this or like this...’ Then a spiral of thoughts on and on until it fell beyond words and formed a dangerous image in my mind.
The image of a real ‘Christian girl’.
She looked beautiful, thin, a girly girl but one who enjoyed some fun. Cute little voice, arty, kind, fun, so very Godly, gentle, humble, a girl that could sing and lead worship. Stylish, good hair, probably a vegan.
With this image in mind my 7 year old self promised my future self that one day I would become like the real Christian girls. I would become this girl and then I would be enough…then my faith would be enough. So I watched christian women carefully in order to learn the ways.
The perfect worship leaders on stage, beautiful with such passion…the preachers exuding style, humour…the wives of youth workers, so gracious, kind, beautiful…older christian girls, good with kids, musical, sporty, good at school…and further and further my view of Christian women was formed around the perfect people I saw in conferences, churches, teaching videos…
And then…
Then came Instagram.
The Christian girls jumped straight on and I followed, only to have my identity shaken and rocked right into the ground where inferiority lay. Women who never seemed to have jobs, living in paradise with perfect bibles, pretty coffees and their perfect captions. Everything so beautiful. Everything #blessed.
Inside, my poor 7 year old self stared through my 18 year old eyes as they scrolled through the pictures of the christian girl image I had still not become. I had to try harder, so further into the struggle I let myself fall. Starving myself to become beautiful, suppressing my emotions to become a little bit more ‘gentle’ or ‘kind’. All the time, feeling like I couldn’t take my reality to God.
He wouldn’t forgive me right? I had the wrong type of issues. I wasn’t worth anything to him right? My coffee cup didn’t say anything about Jesus on it. I shouldn’t be leading youth, I wasn’t cutesy enough…too messy….not enough.
And so for years I sat before God and tried to bring my real self in line with what I thought he needed from me. I tried to become like the girls around me, make the right friends, be stylish in the right way. Like a little chameleon I changed to fit with Bethel’s latest trends. I tried to follow the Instagram girls to be more like I should.
Until it all fell apart, because that isn’t me.
I can’t sing. I’m the opposite of stylish. I say stupid things. I have anxiety. I am very much not arty. I am really easy to mock. I looked like a troll at my own wedding. I get angry. I am clumsy. I am not ‘beautiful’. My instragram has just a little bit too much colour. I argue with my husband. I like surfing and climbing but I do neither of them in a photogenic way. I can’t bake. I can’t cook vegan meals. My nails are always a mess. The only hairstyle I can manage is plaits. I like playing with games consoles. I steal my husband’s clothes most days. I look awful when I laugh. I actually have a job.
So where do I fit? Where do we fit when we aren’t the skinny, singer, book writing, insta-star, perfect looking,’cutesy’ #blessed Christian girl?
I’m finally working this one out.
I’ve spent years angry at God for making me so wrong. I’ve spent years feeling like he made me so badly that now he doesn’t want me because I’m not like the other christian girls. I know God called me to the job I currently do, and yet so easily I fall into thinking that I’m not good enough for God to use me. Finally I’m learning that in those moments I can lean into God’s calling…
'For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.’ Ephesians 2.10
‘But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.’ Matthew 10.30
In two verses here, I can see the vision God put into me. Not only did he put effort into making me, but he knows me so deeply that he knows every tiny thing about me. And you too, whether you think you aren’t right for God. That your sin isn’t the right kind for forgiveness, that your heart isn’t in love with Jesus enough…whatever lies you’re believing or what image you’re pursuing to better yourself. God knows who you really are. Deeply. And he loves it.
And what’s more, he called you to be you for a reason. Because the other people can't do it like you can. Genuinely. You will carry out God's plans for you better than anyone else would. Because they're his plans for YOU.
One of the wisest women I know was once speaking about her body and she said to me. ‘I’m actually ok with the fact that I’m not really skinny, because I know that God might use that to really bless someone else, to make them comfortable.’ And actually…God did.
I watched that beautiful lady serve Jesus, love people, and start to recreate the ‘christian girl’ image for me just by being herself. By being normal.
And so what if God meant to make me like this. He didn’t make me look like a superstar because now, maybe I can be approachable for others who are insecure. Maybe he made me a clumsy fool because it gives others permission to live in their clumsy. Maybe he gave me a complete lack of style so that for some shy person there will be someone in the room of christian girls who can welcome them when they feel underdressed (like I always am).
I am God’s workmanship. And he knows the works he calls me to walk in. All I have to do is seek him. As me.
And maybe, as I live in the freedom of being a Christian girl that isn’t #blessed, others can join in and the genuine diversity can begin to return.
May we all live authentically as ourselves.
Charli x
••(P.S. I just want to disclose here, that I LOVE Christian bloggers, the christian women on instagram, I love the way christian girls encourage each other, and actually there are a lot of times when a painted bible has pushed me to actually read mine. This is just one small danger I have struggled with. But I love pinterest, I love Instagram and I love all the christian women who are famous and beautiful etc. I also know that their lives aren’t as perfect as they may seem.)
(P.P.S I know I am hugely blessed...my life is fun! God is good! )
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