(Please read the note at the bottom!)
It looked into my eyes.
I should have seen the evil within. But I chose to look away. I picked it up, I held it close, I got used to it, in some ways I grew to see it as comfort. While I cherished it, it bit me, hard.
Where I thought it would protect, its only purpose was to kill.
There is a Cherokee Legend that tells of a little boy who comes across a rattlesnake. The snake speaks to him and convinces the boy to do various tasks for it, carry him home, carry it down the mountain. The little boy does it, holding the snake close and beginning to trust it. Eventually, the snake fatally bites the boy. When the little boy asks why he bit him, the snake replies "You knew what I was when you picked me up."
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has ever picked up a snake, held it close, loved it, only for it to turn around and break us, pull us further from who we are called to be.
When I was a teenager, I picked up anorexia. While thinking it would help me it slowly drained me until I couldn’t remember who I was.
Then, I picked up bad relationships, they too turned on me, things I should have taken notice of left me broken again.
I’ve picked up habits or I’ve picked up thoughts, and so many have turned out to be snakes there simply to destroy me.
The problem is, the snakes always gain my trust at the time when it is faltering most in God.
Days, months, years later I am left still pulling poison out from wounds I have inflicted on myself by choosing to play with snakes. Where I could have leaned on God, I go the long way around and pick up pain and regret on the journey.
We all pick up snakes sometimes, the new diet that just looks so quick and easy. Maybe the boy that we know is not right for us. We fall prey to thoughts that sneak into our minds ‘maybe porn would just help me release stress’, ‘maybe if I make friends with those people I will end up happy’, ‘maybe that drug or that drink will just cure my anxiety’.
Sometimes, just like the little boy, we stumble across snakes disguised as rescue ropes. But, unlike the boy who stumbled across the snake, a lot of the time we go looking for them - something to fix a problem. Something to get us out of a rut. When we’re angry at God, feeling forgotten by Him or doubting His existence, then the snakes come all too quickly looking for us.
Jesus said that the ‘thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy’ (John 10.10 NIV). The enemy is sneaky and he will come for us at our weakest. He will offer the things that look the best for us. I know I’m not alone in being able to look back and pinpoint times when I just wish I’d known what was coming for me if I made that choice.
But where the boy was killed, for us there is hope. Because John 10.10 doesn’t end there, Jesus goes on to remind us that " I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Whatever snakes we hold, He is the one with the antidote, the one who can actually offer us the escape rope. Along with the healing, Jesus offers us help in discerning where those snakes lay in wait. As we choose to trust and lean into Him, we become wiser in what we choose to trust.
Our God knows that we struggle and he knows that sometimes, we just can not see what we’re getting into. His heart is not to condemn - He sees us in our pain and chaos and He loves us. He pities us and He will help lift us from it. Just as we do not judge the little boy for picking up the snake that killed him, we are no longer to blame for making choices that hurt us. In many situations we are, like the boy, a victim.
Personally, I have noticed that the longer I hold onto something, the harder it is to put it down, and often the longer it takes to heal. So my encouragement from that lesson would be this.
You may never feel ‘ready’. When I was struggling with the need to control and restrict food, I was miserable. However, whenever help was offered I clung to the ED for dear life. I was used to it, I still felt protected by it, I was addicted and in grace to myself, it’s a legitimate mental illness. So I understand the feeling of the ‘not yet’, but I never felt ready to accept help. There was no day I decided to drop that snake, and there may not be for you. For me, it was a daily fight to let go just for that day. A little step here and a little step there until I looked down and realised I felt free.
Start now. Despite whether you feel ready or not. If you are living with something that drags you down, make today the first day you fight it. Holding onto it is simply delaying your own freedom. Ask for help. Tell someone about it. Ask the Lord to help. If you actually were bitten by a snake, you would not sit around for a while before you visited the doctor. You’d be on it immediately. The longer the poison makes its home in you, the more damage it will do.
Have grace for yourself. You are not expected to let go overnight. Let yourself grieve, let yourself talk about it and let yourself mess up without beating yourself up. You are doing brilliantly!
Love Charli
x
Note: Bear in mind, I want to make it clear, by this post I am NOT talking about mental illnesses that you can not control. The reason I include my own ED is because although I didn’t notice it taking hold originally, when it became obvious to me, I still made multiple choices in favour of continuing to let it rule me. So although that wasn’t my fault, for me, it is still something I have some responsibility in. I am also not saying that when we end up hurt by something it is our ‘fault’, my aim is to help us reflect now and avoid it in the future as much as we can which may not be always.